Helpful Hubbies

August 7, 2008

I have been having conversations with friends over the last few years that makes me wonder what generation I am living in. It is something I simply do not understand so I am going to put my thoughts out there for (positive) feedback. I will probably offend a few, but that probably just means they are one of the husbands I am talking about.

Jeremiah and I have long had the understanding in our relationship that we are a team in every aspect of our family. Even though I am a stay at home mom, I cannot do everything alone. And now I am trying to run 2 at home businesses, I definitely cannot do it all alone. He completely understands that there are times I need to work and he needs tend to our children. He also understands there are times when I just need a break from the kids and he needs to tend to our children/home. Please let me be clear that I don’t leave him with the kids multiple times a week. It is usually two times max. If he is home and I need to run to the store, he keeps the kids or we all go together and he helps me with them at the store. If I want to have lunch with my friends, he will keep the kids. He knows I am a much better mommy when I have the occasional break. He also understands that if he helps clean up after dinner or does a load of laundry for me, that I extremely grateful. The favor is of course returned to him. When he wants to go to the movies with his friends or to a meeting in the evening, I don’t complain. I am happy to let him go. In my opinion this is the way a marriage works. If Jeremiah decided he would take care of our financial wellness and EVERYTHING else was my responsibility, I would be a very resentful wife. After all, I married him to have a partner, not to wait on him hand and foot. Thankfully, taking care of kids gives him a greater appreciation for what I do all week long and he realizes that I work just as hard as he does all day. For this reason, he is very willing to help out. About half of my friends have this sort of relationship, which is so great. Awesome husbands!

But the other half have the other kind. I don’t want to say they are bad husbands, because they clearly love their families, but I think they are just very confused about family roles or maybe just don’t understand what a stay at home mom does all day. I have one friend that has to take the kids everywhere she goes, even if her husband is sitting at home just watching TV. I have another friend who got a phone call from her husband in the middle of a lunch date with me telling her the kids were up from their nap and that it was time she came home. I have had so many conversations with frustrated friends about how their husbands freak out if left with the kids for more than 10 minutes or husbands that have never washed a dish or folded a shirt. I expect that sort of thing in my parents generation, but it still disgusts me to no end. However, what is happening to my generation? The women and men are selling themselves short of a better marriage by not having a balance. Men too afraid to “babysit” their own children (dude, they are your kids too, so it is not babysitting), and women afraid to speak up for themselves and tell their husbands what they really need from him. If Jeremiah were this way towards me, I would not be complaining to my friends about it. I would be telling him all about it until he got the point. I would love some insight here, of the constructive kind. I asked Jer the other day what he thinks is happening and he did actually have one possible point. He said that the first six months of a child’s life are almost solely dependent on the mom, especially if the mom nurses. So, just out of habit, once the baby is older, the trend continues because it is just the way it was before. They just get into that routine of “mom does everything” and never get out of it. I do agree with him on the newborn thing. The first six months I because of the nursing thing and a newborn can be daunting, even for the best of parents. So, if I go to the store when Jer is home, I have always taken the newborn with me. But, only the newborn. When Arwyn was a baby, I would leave Jer and Breckin behind and take her with me. This is just something that blows my mind. I think some marriages suffer because of it and I think the dad/child bond certainly suffers because of it. Anyway, any constructive insight into why some marriages are this way would be great because I have no idea what to say to my friends rather than, “Tell that man to get over himself and step up!” And, I am pretty sure that wouldn’t be all that helpful.

Posted in Family